The 10 things I’ve learned about miscarriages…

3 09 2011

Well hopefully we are through the thick of things and my wife’s tension is slowly dissipating.

So I thought I’d start putting down a few more experiences through the whole miscarriage period, starting with a list of things I’ve learned.

Bear in mind that I did not read much about it. A certain degree of ignorance is bliss if you like, so hopefully my experiences may help anyone reading this post. Bear in mind we’ve been through two miscarriages so I still consider myself lucky.

1. Miscarriages are very common – 1 in 4 (ish). These odds do not reduce if you have a miscarriage, they effectively reset every time.

2. You’re not alone. As I soon found out, a lot of family, friends and colleagues had gone through exactly what I’d been through. Sometimes it’s tough to find out who, but when you and if they / you are ok about it, just talk about it because it does help.

3. No one really knows why a ‘typical’ miscarriages happen. There are plenty of theories out there but no one answer. It made me very frustrated because all I wanted to know was why, so I could learn to do something to avoid it. In most cases you can’t.

4. Physical vs. Emotional experiences. You will both experience the emotional side but as a bloke, and this might sound obvious, you do not go through the physical side. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that. Be prepared to have no understanding of what your partner is going through. Be prepared to take a lot of flak, abuse, tears, hugs etc. At times all you can do is take it and be there ready to take more when necessary.

5. Support each other. Leading on from above, just make sure you are there for each other through thick and thin. It’s not a fun time, it could well be the worst experience of your life but you will be stronger for it.

6. Hold on tight, it’s a rollercoaster. As you may have seen in previous posts, I’ve mentioned the constant ups and downs you go through and on one can really prepare for what happens and how it will effect them.

7. Try and be as positive as you can. Sometimes when everything around you is falling to ruins, try to keep positive. Sometimes it just keeps you sane. It’s easy to slip into pessimism (I’m that way inclined) but you will both feed off that feeling. Don’t let negativity take over. My wife thought that our 3rd attempt was destined to be a miscarriage right up to our first scan. Women can be wrong!

8. Don’t forget you. It’s easy to run about like a headless chicken making sure your partner has everything they want, when they want it. You support them, you wipe up their tears, you speak to her family because she can’t face up to it, you go back to work to forget things and so on. These things can and will creep up on you. For me it was shopping in Sainsbury’s.

9. In most cases, you will get pregnant. Of course there is a small percentage of people who do have something wrong and with science getting better and better, that percentage gets smaller. But try to remain positive. I know people who have gone through experiences far, far worse than me through years of pain but have still had a baby.

10. Things do get better. As with any grieving process, time is the greatest healer even if you think that rubbish at the time. There’s nothing worse when you feel really down to have someone tell you “Don’t worry it will get better.” Just grin and bear it.

I think there is a degree of negativity and secrecy surrounding miscarriages. But like death, the more people accept it as a fact of life, the more people prepare for what lies ahead.

There is no magic solution to miscarriage.

There is no perfect process to follow.

There is no guaranteed result.

If there was, I’d just link a book that gives you all the answers.

But don’t forget that no matter what happens you started the whole process as two people in love.

Hopefully one day people will not have to go through it but in the mean time, I hope the 10 things I’ve learned can help you in some way.

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