Happy Halloween…

31 10 2012

Had a nice little message from JJ today and a photo.

“Happy Halloween Daddy.”

JJ tried to prove that he was not eating enough…

I don’t think he’s planning any burglaries or general mischief.

Or is he…

Happy Halloween everyone.

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I’m still trying to conquer the world…

30 10 2012

It’s been a while so here’s the latest update.

Bulgaria – Apparently when Bulgarians move their heads from side to side they mean yes and up and down means no. Is this true? Any Bulgarians out there that can substantiate this claim?!

Czech Republic – Czech people are the world’s heaviest consumers of beer.

Egypt – Pharaoh Pepi II (2246-2152 B.C.) had the longest reign in history of 94 years. Apparently he used to smear naked slaves with honey to keep the flies away – perhaps something we can all learn from.

Guernsey – It’s not part of the UK and has its own parliament, stamps and coins and is where a lot of people like to avoid the tax man.

Latvia – Almost a third of the people who live in Latvia are Russian.

Sri Lanka – The spice cinnamon originated in Sri Lanka and was discovered by the Egyptians.

That means 82 countries so far and still a long way to go.

But thank you none less to the countries that capitulated.

Fear not, I am a fair conqueror, happy thoughts and air guitars are on the way.

Some obvious gaps means a long conquering campaign ahead.





Eureka…

26 10 2012

Over the past few months, I’ve had my own little early warning device alerting me that I’ve had a drink at night.

It’s like one of those World War II air raid sirens.

Slowly building up.

Getting louder and louder.

And you know that trouble is on its way.

Of course, I’m referring to JJ.

I now get why so many friends and family advised me not to drink too much during the early years.

Apparently a baby crying is about 110 decibels.

To put that into context, an ambulance siren is 120 decibels.

However, add one budding hangover in the early hours and you have a sound, no exaggeration, equivalent to a bomb going off next to your ear.

I have a theory.

The perceived decibel level of a baby crying is directly proportional to the units of alcohol consumed.

Bear with me here…

y ∝ x (fancy symbol meaning directly proportional.)

Where y = perceived decibel level and x = units of alcohol consumed.

Normally when you work out these types of maths questions you need a constant ‘k’.

In this case k is the decibel level of a baby crying.

k = 110

Not trying to exaggerate the decibel level too much this equation then becomes:

y = k + x (it could be y = kx but then we’d get silly decibels!)

Still with me?

Let’s assume that a pint is 3 units, so for example, if you’d had about 3 pints this becomes:

110 + 9 = 119 perceived decibels – almost at ambulance siren level.

A particularly heavy session might be:

110 + 30 = 140 perceived decibels – firecracker territory.

However, I think there is another thing that needs to be factored in.

The time your little bundle of love wakes up and crys in the morning.

As the morning hours while away, your headache increases in intensity.

So we now have (n), a factor to multiply the units by where ‘n’ represents the number of hours since you fell asleep.

Therefore, y = k + x(n)

Having 5 pints and being woken up after 1 hour is nowhere near as bad as after 7 hours, for example:

110 + 15*1 = 125 perceived decibels, still ambulance siren territory.

or

110 + 15*7 = 215 perceived decibels, now we are talking the Space Shuttle as it launches.

Anyway, that’s just my theory and I agree, it’s not 100% perfect!

But feel free to play around with the maths.

Next up, I’ll tackle manflu…





Weekly Photo Challenge: Silhouette…

23 10 2012

Here’s a bunch of silhouette photos taken over a few years.

I don’t normally take these but having seen some of the entries, it’s inspired me to take more.

I normally press delete.

Fool!





Groaning in the early hours…

22 10 2012

Some people like a heads-up before I embark on stories that involve baby poo.

Heads-up.

The last seven months with JJ has been filled with all manner of new experiences.

Experiences that have startled and at times numbed all of my senses.

Last night was no exception.

I was awoken in the wee small hours by a groaning noise.

“Nnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggg.”

It wasn’t neighbour ‘A’ rutting away like a stag or neighbour ‘B’ choking to death.

Silence again.

“Nnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggg.”

As the mists of sleep cleared, I slowly worked out the noise emanated from the nursery.

“Nnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggg.”

He couldn’t have been benching 100kgs, which would have explained the noise.

So what was he up to?

And then it clicked.

It was his now increasingly common 3.30am poo.

Except there was something different about this one.

He did not sound happy in the slightest.

Imagine dropping a bucket of Nutella on the floor.

After the noises I was hearing, that was what I was expecting to see.

But no, it was quite the opposite.

After opening his nappy a bit, protruding from his little bottom was what looked like a brown thumb.

(no Jimmy jokes thanks.)

On closer inspection, there was no mess in his nappy either.

Peculiar.

Poor little JJ was passing what looked and felt like a stick of brown rock.

No wonder he was groaning.

Having called wifey through and turning on the lights I then saw that the exasperation was causing his head to go bright red.

He looked into my eyes as if to say “Daddy, please make it stop, end my pain.”

So I did what any Daddy would do.

I snapped it off.

But like the cutting off the serpent head of a Hydra, this thing kept growing back to the sound of “Nnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggg.”

Without going into too much detail, I repeated this procedure with Herculean effort about four times until he was done.

With some relief his mood changed, a smile was back on his face and not long after cuddling his monkey, he was back asleep.

I have a bad feeling that one day, this experience will manifest itself in my dreams in an evil and unforgiving way.

When I’m old and infirm with JJ looking after me, I’ll have to remember this moment in time and exact my revenge.

“Nnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggg.”





Weekly Photo Challenge: Big…

21 10 2012

Playing catch up here.

I was flicking through some old photos for the next challenge, when I stumbled across this one.

This was flipping big.

I was at Farnborough in 2008 when the Airbus A380 flew in.

I think it was one of the first times it had come to the country.

And by ‘eck it was big.





The eye of the storm…

15 10 2012

It’s time for JJ’s latest sleep update.

JJ’s had it a bit tough of late as you may know.

He hasn’t had much solid sleep, so neither has Mummy or Daddy.

It’s been going on for over 2 months now.

However, things have appeared to be getting better.

We had a period of time when all of a sudden, he slept for about 10-12 hours again.

It was bliss.

It was quiet.

Serene.

Tranquil.

It lasted about a week (note the past tense).

The eye of the storm passed and it all kicked off again.

The poor little scrap has come down with a bad cold.

He has started wheezing, is completely bunged up so finds it difficult to eat and he breathes really quickly for some reason.

Think Darth Vader with the flu having completed the London Marathon.

To make matters worse, Wifey has taken ill too.

So back to broken sleep.

Back to that limbo when you don’t know if you are awake or asleep.

And welcome back dysfunctional brain, poor short-term memory and a desire to drink.

I’m sure like any bad storm, it will pass.

Just in time for teething…