The birth of a new joke…

27 09 2013

One of my favourite one-liners is from Tim Vine.

I think it was one of the top 10 jokes from the Fringe Festival in 2011:

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

Genius.

I’m sure there will be a joke similar to this but I thought of it randomly on the tube the other day:

“Attitudes to Polish building techniques in the UK and Poland. Poles apart.”

I’ll get my coat.

A Pole.

A Pole.

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Weekly Photo Challenge: From Lines to Patterns…

25 09 2013

I found myself walking inside a church on Sunday.

Not being a religious person, you get a feeling of being an outsider.

Despite this, I happened to look up and found inspiration.

Not the sort the Vicar wanted from me but to meet the weekly photo challenge.

Wish I could have done it justice

I only had my phone on me.

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The inconsiderate gits went three by three…

23 09 2013

I’m not sure if I have moaned about this already.

But I’m going to do it anyway.

People who walk side by side with their mates along a busy street and don’t move out-of-the-way for oncoming pedestrians.

Tres annoying.

I’m sure you are having the most fascinating and deepest conversation about the meaning of life.

Lost in a philosophical debate.

Oblivious to your surroundings.

After all, figuring out what put you on this planet with your mates is much more important.

You are potentially the key to unlock the mysteries of life.

Don’t worry about the people who have to jump into the road to get out of your way and possibly end up leaving this planet.

Oh, and don’t forget to look at those oncoming people who threaten to break your conjoint walking relationship with twisted faces of disgust.

How dare they ruin your train of thought.

So it was that I found myself in the path of an oncoming angry white van driver at lunch time.

Three guys were walking side by side down the pavement heading towards me.

Them finding it hard to concentrate on sharing their combined brain mass.

Me searching for a way through, over or around them.

I was like snow to their plough.

Out of my way punks. (image courtesy of screencrave.com)

Out of my way punks. (image courtesy of screencrave.com)





The Glasses snatcher of St. Albans…

20 09 2013

I often look for signs of intelligence in my boy.

A fatherly fear that he might take after me.

The lights are on but nobody’s home.

So it was with great delight that he outwitted me the other day.

Not hard I hear you say.

For some reason JJ loves my glasses and thinks they are better off my face rather than on.

Beauty should never be hidden I guess.

I don’t wear them that much so he probably just thinks I look stupid and that he’s helping.

But you see, my OCD-ness can’t stand it when he touches them, leaving evidence of his last meal, snot, or saliva.

It means I ‘have to’ spend five minutes cleaning them to perfection again.

One day he was sitting on my knee and reached out to grab them.

I stopped him with a Karate Kid style side swipe, accompanied by stupid Daddy noises.

He found it hilarious.

Another grab.

Another swipe and more stupid noises.

This went on for a couple of minutes with him laughing more and more.

I leaned in to make it easier.

Then all of a sudden his face went serious.

No more laughter.

He went to grab my glasses.

I swiped.

But then with ninja like stealth his other hand came out of nowhere and took my glasses of my face.

Little git.

Little clever git.

Then he laughed again.

Mission accomplished.

As Depeche Mode once sang;

“The grabbing hands, grab what they can.”

More fool me.

Geek in the making.

Geek in the making.





The embarrassing Dad…

19 09 2013

I’m sure it happens to all Dads.

That moment when you see you kids cringe when you say or do something.

“Shut up Dad you’re embarrassing,” must be an awful thing to hear.

Or not hear when they simply stare at you, trying to make you vanish into a parallel universe with the power of their minds.

So it was that I witnessed such an event on the London Underground.

I got on a Tube with an American Dad and his two very well behaved kids.

The kids must have been around 14 and 16.

Prime age to be embarrassed by your Dad.

They were all carrying rather large bags – don’t get me started.

On quite a busy carriage the son put his coffin sized bag down in the only space he could, by the door.

Dad kicked things off by saying in an overly loud voice, as if trying to get sympathy from the other people on the tube:

“You can’t put that there, you’ll block people’s way out and people can’t get on. Be more considerate.”

Fair enough, but there was no where else to put it.

Dad then looked about to seek approval for his action, forgetting it was London and everyone was playing their own little game of I’m invisible.

Cringe moment one.

A few people got on and off the tube at the next stop at the opposite doors from where the son’s bag was.

The son had a little smile on his face.

A little victory against dad was scored.

In a huff, Dad then took it upon himself to move someone else’s bag so he could lean up against the side of the train.

That’s when things kicked off.

An old bloke suddenly stood up and said:

“What on earth do you think you are doing? Get off my bag.” (Old bloke)

“Then move it out of the way, I want to stand here.” (Dad)

“No, it’s fine where it is because…” (Old bloke)

“Move it next to you.” (Dad – starts to pick it up)

“Please leave it where it is.” (Old bloke)

“But Dad there’s…” (Son)

“SHUT UP!” (Dad – forcibly moves it)

<Cringe moment two>

“Excuse me Sir but please leave it where it is, you have no right to move it.” (Young big bloke – enters the scene to help the old bloke)

“Dad…” (Son)

“I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP.” (Dad – all games of I’m invisible cease as all eyes fix upon Dad, like Romans watching a fated gladiatorial fight)

<Cringe moment three as the kids curl up into small balls and hide away>

<more back and forward abuse and reasoning from all parties>

“Why don’t you stand over there where there is plenty of room opposite your bags next to your kids?” (Young big bloke)

“But…” (Dad – gives in an moves away)

Having moved away to an area with plenty of space and fuming, he looked to his son and daughter as if to say ‘why didn’t you help me?’

That’s when his son delivered an Emperor’s thumbs down type coup de grâce.

The son simply pointed to a sign above the old man’s bag that read “Priority area for luggage.”

The silence on the train was deafening as all eyes cheered the son’s delivery.

Both kids suitably embarrassed, their Dad starting to look very sheepish, the disapproving eyes of Londoners on him, the family remained very quiet for the rest of the journey.

I wonder what I will do to get JJ wishing he was born without a Dad…





Weekly Photo Challenge: Inside…

18 09 2013

The weekly photo challenge this time was themed ‘inside’.

It made me think immediately of the photo I took of my little boy, niece and nephew.

They were looking down a little tunnel attached to a kid’s playground-plastic-contraption-with-tunnels-connected-all-over-the-place.

After taking this photo I realised I was wedged in the playground-plastic-contraption-with-tunnels-connected-all-over-the-place.

Not embarrassing at all.

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And after that, it made me think of one of my favourite photos that I took of JJ when he was younger, crawling through a tunnel.

My how he has changed.

Spock ears?

Spock ears?





A week in Cornwall…

17 09 2013

While I had my two months off, we spent a week in Cornwall with Wifey’s family.

A nice little break to relax.

Unfortunately Cornwall has a habit of raining every time I visit.

I try not to take it personally, but then again I’m not very good at taking a hint.

Fortunately we got away with a couple of sunny days.

We tried to squeeze in as many activities as possible.

Eden Project.

Fishing – we caught about 60 fish in a couple of hours!

Dairyland.

A trip to St. Ives.

A date night with Wifey.

Another trip to Dairyland – you buy one trip and get another free.

And our niece’s sports day.

Too much to talk about so here’s a bunch of photos to sum it all up.