Feinting

25 01 2016

People who feint during the commute.

Bloody annoying.

Yup it’s commuter rant time.

And no, that’s not a typo.

Feinters.

I feel sorry for people that faint, never nice.

But feinters?

A recent phenomenon that I’ve never noticed before, but now that I have I can’t help but notice them all around me.

Argh!

I’m one of those saddos who knows the path of least resistance when travelling to and from work and walks with a degree of pace.

(Where to stand on the Tube platform so the doors open in front of you and so on.)

So when things get in my way or don’t conform to commuter rules, it gets on my goat.

Sad, I know.

So anyway, what the hell am I taking about?

During that commuter rush people invariably get in the way.

You can normally anticipate, alter course and avoid a crash in a second, especially when it involves a fellow commuter.

Feinters are different.

Feinters live by their own rules.

Feinters only reveal themselves at the last possible second.

Picture the scene – you are heading towards an escalator but are planning on walking up / down.

There’s a volume of shuffling people who peel off like Red Arrows to stand on the right or walk on the left.

The person in front of me is taking their time to get on the escalator but is indicating by their position on the left that they intend to walk down.

Then all of a sudden, BOOM!

They have darted to the right to stand.

Precious milliseconds lost in the commute which could mean turning up to the tube to have the doors close in your face, you miss the fast train home and then get grief from the wife for being late.

You can’t risk undertaking them before the feint for fear of a collision.

It’s also the same walking behind them.

They meander left, then right and back to centre at the same time as you do.

A mandatory “tut” as you eventually get past.

Look out for them on your next journey.

Especially when you have somewhere to get to fast.

Feinters.

Grrrrrrr.





For the love of queues…

15 01 2016

Last night I went to see the Orlando Magic take on the Toronto Raptors with my brother-in-law and a couple of his friends.

It was a good game, going into overtime with the Raptors winning by three points.

At the end of the game, I think I began to feel my feet again.

Let me explain.

On arriving at the O2 where the game was held, I joined a queue outside to get in.

No idea why, but I’m British and that’s what we do.

Fortunately it was the correct thing to do before going through security.

There were four long snaking queues taking an age to move due to, I assumed, heightened security checks.

It was a tad chilly.

My work shoes offered little heat protection.

But we queued on stoically.

We noticed that people were simply ignoring the queues and simply went to the front, barging in accordingly.

Being good British queuers we vented our fury under our breath and did nothing about it.

Still, I’m not sure why these people arrive, look at four huge queues to get in and then just blatantly ignore it?

“Oh look at that queue, they must be going into see the basketball like me. Idiots, they must love queues. I can’t be bothered to be civil to my fellow human beings so I’m just going to jump the queue and make them wait longer in the cold.”

Bastards.

So after about 90 minutes of queuing, grumbling and doing nothing about it, I lost all feeling in my feet.

Just as well that I had a close up view of the game to make up for it.

Oh…

IMG_0786





Fire and forget…

20 08 2015

What do emails and the AGM-114 Hellfire missile have in common?

Clue’s in the title of the blog.

I’m becoming increasingly annoyed at the attitude behind work emails.

Just because you hit send does not mean you don’t need to follow-up with the recipient.

Just because you hit send does not mean you can wash your hands of any further action until otherwise contacted.

Just because, well, just because.

What is it with people’s insistence on hiding behind emails?

I’ve worked with so many people who, rather than get off their behinds and walk 10 metres, would rather send an email.

I know what you’re thinking “Nah mate, it’s just that nobody wants to talk to you!”

Technology is meant to be an enabler not an inhibitor.

No wonder people’s social skills and ability to work with others face-to-face is sadly on the downturn.

Working relationships will never truly develop if people are either too lazy or scared to pick up a phone or meet in person.

And the potential view from the company?

Fire and forget.

He didn't give two monkeys what happened next.

He didn’t give two monkeys what happened next. Attribution: Photo: Graeme Main/MOD





19 06 2015

As I watched someone leave a paper Costa coffee cup on a bench and walk away, it reminded how annoyed I get with litter.

I got so annoyed I promptly did nothing about it and left the rubbish on the bench, cursing under my breath.

No bin?

Hold on to your rubbish until you find one you lazy git.

You should be allowed to pick up said rubbish and chuck it at them saying “I think you left something behind you lazy git.”

Lazy git.

And then it hit me (not some rubbish I left behind).

Perhaps these litter louts are a means to an end.

Bear with me here.

There are obviously not enough bins on the streets.

And what does this lead to?

Someone needs to buy more bins.

The bins need to be made.

The materials need to be supplied.

Areas need to be mapped in terms of footfall to determine the best place for the bins.

The bins then need to be placed and secured.

People will be needed to empty the bins.

Perhaps we need an ad campaign to push people to use the bins.

So we need people hired to come up with a campaign.

Etc. Etc. Etc.

All on a UK scale.

Therefore perhaps these litter louts aren’t the blight on society that I make them out to be.

They could actually help drive jobs, profits and a cleaner landscape for all.

Perhaps we should all become litter louts.

Actually, that’s a rubbish idea.

Just put rubbish in the bin.





Parking on a hard shoulder…

3 12 2014

Believe it or not, my shoulder is not a resting place for bags.

A lot of people on the 8am train to St Pancras, however, seem to disagree.

I’ve moaned before how my train can get quite busy.

But fortunately for me, there is nearly always a seat.

It tends to be an aisle seat.

So when the train gets busy people queue up along the aisle.

When the Thameslink trains where first constructed back in 1672, people were a lot slimmer in build and had smaller bottoms.

That can only explain the width of the seats.

By the time either two big bottoms or two people with a shoulder build of normal standards sit next to each other, one invariably spills onto the third seat leaving less space to sit down.

And in turn, you guessed it, my shoulder sticks out into the aisle.

So when people get onto the train with bags on their backs or handbags on their arms, apparently my shoulder becomes a convenient place for them to rest their load.

Stop it.

I’ve had enough.

I’m seriously contemplating putting strong magnets onto my shoulder to damage anything electronic in the bags.

Or perhaps Mad Max style metal spiked shoulder pads that would rip apart any unsuspecting bag at the slightest wriggle from me.

Or I’ll become a pirate (work it out).

These people also have the audacity to give me evils when I try to shrug the bag off my shoulder!

(Ok, maybe I should ask nicely next time.)

All this being said, it gets worse when it’s someone’s arse sat on my shoulder.

And when a man is leaning on me with his *ahem* personal bag, maybe I should give him a hard shoulder.





Mini-roundabouts have feelings too…

8 09 2014

I have discovered a problem that seems to effect a lot of drivers in my local area.

It could be down to poor eyesight, the inability to see over the steering wheel or simply their IQ level.

More and more people are becoming allergic to going round mini-roundabouts.

If there is no traffic about then fine, do whatever you want.

Go crazy.

Stop on top of it.

Break out the deck-chairs and have a picnic.

Recite Shakespeare whilst standing on your head.

Breakdance.

But what to do when there is traffic?

Why don’t you just go the wrong way around it, nearly crash into me and then have all three front passengers make obscene gestures for good measure.

Yup, white van man and his minions.

And just in case you wondered what the rules were:

Highway Code: Roundabouts (184-190)

Rule: 188
“Mini-roundabouts. Approach these in the same way as normal roundabouts. All vehicles MUST pass round the central markings except large vehicles which are physically incapable of doing so. Remember, there is less space to manoeuvre and less time to signal. Avoid making U-turns at mini-roundabouts. Beware of others doing this.”

So there you go.

They are there to do a job.

If you don’t let them perform this function, they will cry.

And will haunt your dreams.





That wheely annoys me…

30 10 2013

If you travel on the Underground during the rush hour like me, we probably share a common enemy.

You hear it before you see it.

By the time you see it, it’s often too late.

It kills three people every day.

What is it?

The trolley case.

Ok, so I lied about killing three people every day.

Chances are you will agree that most people who commute in London turn into Zombies.

Zombies in their own little world.

Zombies who don’t care about those around them.

Now arm those Zombies with a handbag or manbag sized trolley case during the rush hour.

You know the ones – bags that would traditionally would be carried in your hand or over your shoulder.

Lethal.

With a go-go-Gadget flick of a telescopic handle these Chihuahua sized containers obediently follow their walking dead masters.

Unfortunately, this Decepticon-type transformation usually takes place at the most inappropriate of times during their journey, which cause most of the problems:

  • Stepping off a train or tube and immediately pausing to extend the handle creating a commuter volcano behind them
  • Walk right up to the bottom of an escalator, pause to retract the handle, creating a commuter volcano behind them
  • Extend the handle again at the top of an escalator, but only having taken one step off the top, creating a commuter volcano behind them

Other issues:

  • Walking with their trolley case to one side as if it was a prized Crufts Chihuahua being shown off to those around in a crowded space
  • Suddenly pausing at the most inappropriate times as if to contemplate life, the universe and everything, oblivious to the pile up behind them
  • Trying to walk quickly with their pitiful case skipping from side to side like a car travelling to fast towing a caravan

Unless you are carrying a small amount of neutron star, what stops you from carrying it normally in crowded areas?

(By the way that’s very heavy in case you wondered.)

I’m sure some people need to use these ankle biting weapons – bad back, sore shoulders, no arm strength.

Just please bear in mind when you use them, the poor zombies around you.

Here endeth the moan.