LP2: Preparing for the worst…

24 08 2011

So, Little Pea 1 was a tricky time and I think I’m still trying to work out the impact it has had on me. Very easy for a bloke to just bottle it up and file it under “DO NOT OPEN.”

Writing the previous blog about LP1 was quite hard as I didn’t want to go into too much detail on the emotional side (that will follow in another entry). It was quite hard writing about it so I’m obviously still effected.

So without further ado, LP2.

When I found out that my wife was pregnant again it was a joyous occasion if not a tiny bit subdued.

The moment had been tainted a bit because of LP1’s surprise disappearing act. I was reluctant to tell anyone about the pregnancy as I did not want to have to go through telling everyone again that it was back to square one.

I think it would be safe to say that we were quite negative thinking the worst would just happen again.

And it did.

LP2 only got to 5.5 weeks but fortunately did not hang around for long after that, miscarrying at around 7 weeks.

There’s not really much to add other than it still hurt and probably just as much. Seeing my wife yet again go through the same turmoil knowing there is nothing I can really do other than to be there is sickening.

I hate that feeling of helplessness, feeling like a spare part. It’s soul-destroying.

But this time around we were a tiny bit more prepared.

Just like a roller coaster.

Once that first down is out-of-the-way your senses become that bit more prepared and it’s not as scary.

I used to love roller coasters but the novelty was wearing thin.


LP1: the shooting star…

23 08 2011

So I’d stepped on the rollercoaster and was enjoying the ride.

My wife and I tracked our baby’s growth through an app that showed an illustration of what it looked like, likening its size to a foodstuff and generally talked about what was happening to the fetus.

At 6 weeks the baby was described as being the size of a little pea.

A baby nickname was born.

Little Pea.

The happiness was tangible as our excitement grew with every day.

We were down in Cornwall for a bank holiday visiting the in-laws having planned on announcing the news. LP was only 9 weeks at this point but we were too excited to keep it a secret from family.

My wife started feeling a bit tired and ill but we just thought that was the norm so it was fine. But then the pains started.

By Monday we were in A&E and to cut a long story short, we started to go through one of the most upsetting times of our lives.

They say the root cause of miscarriage is not really known, and that is so frustrating, especially when you try to apply logic to an incredibly emotional situation to explain what is going on.

We later learned that LP did not get past 5 weeks so didn’t grow to its namesake.

Shooting stars arrive with such brilliance and captivating awe but as fast they come, they go.

As Jim Morrison of ‘The Doors’ said:

I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and gasps “Oh look at that!” Then- whoosh, and I’m gone…and they’ll never see anything like it ever again… and they won’t be able to forget me- ever.

LP1 was our shooting star.

Getting on the rollercoaster…

22 08 2011

Some say that the purpose of life in its most basic form is to procreate to ensure the longevity of our species.

Most of us get that feeling at some point in our lives when it’s time, a deep primeval itch that needs to be scratched.

So, it was with a great deal of excitement and trepidation that my wife and I embarked on that journey to create a life (well somebody’s got to do it!).

We were as prepared as two people in love could be, with a degree of blind faith protecting us…

And then one day, whilst immersed in my world of make-believe, I was brought to down to the reality of Earth with an almighty thump when I found out that I was going to be a Dad. A word I had associated with only one man for all of my life. A title I was to take on.

Entering into a state of shock I was not quite able to compute the ramifications of what I’d just heard, even though I was prepared as I could be. It was the most incredible and humbling piece of news I had ever heard in my life. Holy <enter expletive here>.

I quickly immersed myself back into the world of make-believe.

It took a while for it to sink in if I’m honest. I was too excited and didn’t know how to express it because all my hopes and fears gathered into one place and swept me away on the first high of the 2011 rollercoaster ride. I could almost hear that cranking noise, which has that effect of turning your knuckles white.

But I had a job to do, and ensuring that I made my tiny contribution to the survival of the human race became the year’s focus. So I did what any man can do. Held on tight, put on a mask of confidence, and looked forward to journey ahead.

They had no flipping clue

A rollercoaster called LP3…

22 08 2011

The start of any rollercoaster ride is full of anticipation and feeling scared about the journey ahead.

2011 has been one of those rollercoaster years, with two ups being unfortunately accompanied by two downs.

We announced quite early on that my wife was pregnant.

But as with most ups, a down was soon to follow and we had to endure what I can only describe as one of the worst moments of my life. A miscarriage.

But that is for another blog entry.

We pulled ourselves back up off the floor and before we knew it, my wife was pregnant again. But we forgot to look out for the next down. Another miscarriage.

But that too is for another blog entry.

After a lot of heartache, my wife is pregnant again and for the first time we have seen a little heartbeat and are currently at 8 weeks. Early days I know, but this is the furthest that LP3 (why LP3? keep an eye out for another entry!) has got and everything is crossed.

So welcome to the world LP3. Mummy and Daddy will try will try and find a less bumpy ride for you, but hopefully the end of the ride will never be in sight.

And in the black corner, measuring in at 12.4mm, LP3!