Feinting

25 01 2016

People who feint during the commute.

Bloody annoying.

Yup it’s commuter rant time.

And no, that’s not a typo.

Feinters.

I feel sorry for people that faint, never nice.

But feinters?

A recent phenomenon that I’ve never noticed before, but now that I have I can’t help but notice them all around me.

Argh!

I’m one of those saddos who knows the path of least resistance when travelling to and from work and walks with a degree of pace.

(Where to stand on the Tube platform so the doors open in front of you and so on.)

So when things get in my way or don’t conform to commuter rules, it gets on my goat.

Sad, I know.

So anyway, what the hell am I taking about?

During that commuter rush people invariably get in the way.

You can normally anticipate, alter course and avoid a crash in a second, especially when it involves a fellow commuter.

Feinters are different.

Feinters live by their own rules.

Feinters only reveal themselves at the last possible second.

Picture the scene – you are heading towards an escalator but are planning on walking up / down.

There’s a volume of shuffling people who peel off like Red Arrows to stand on the right or walk on the left.

The person in front of me is taking their time to get on the escalator but is indicating by their position on the left that they intend to walk down.

Then all of a sudden, BOOM!

They have darted to the right to stand.

Precious milliseconds lost in the commute which could mean turning up to the tube to have the doors close in your face, you miss the fast train home and then get grief from the wife for being late.

You can’t risk undertaking them before the feint for fear of a collision.

It’s also the same walking behind them.

They meander left, then right and back to centre at the same time as you do.

A mandatory “tut” as you eventually get past.

Look out for them on your next journey.

Especially when you have somewhere to get to fast.

Feinters.

Grrrrrrr.

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Weekly Photo Challenge: Good Morning!…

7 10 2013

The photo challenge this week is about capturing something that says “Good Morning!”

My OCD nature means that my morning journey to work is very precise and ordered.

By the way, when I refer to my OCD, we’re not talking Rain Man or hell-to-live-with-nutter.

(Perhaps Wifey might disagree there.)

Things just have to be done in a certain way.

Patterns and routine must be adhered to.

Any change can cause a glitch in the matrix.

And that would ruin my morning.

Part of this routine is to play Solitaire on my phone but only when I get on the tube.

Reading a book is reserved for the mainline train, where 33 pages are always read.

Joking.

It’s 31.

When I get on the crowded Tube and pull my phone out of my pocket like an escapologist escaping the confines of a straitjacket, I’m greeted with a picture on my screen.

It tends to be of JJ because when I see the little fella, it makes everything in the world seem that bit better.

My latest image of him feels like a happy greeting from JJ.

Granted it was taken last night but it’s as if he’s saying, “Morning Daddy!”

Retrofitted.

He wasn’t really posing for a smile at the time.

At the time, JJ was doing his impression of a dinosaur.

JJ good morning





Bag an apology…

18 02 2013

Rant time.

As you may have seen from previous posts, I frequent the Underground.

I’ve commented on how people transform when travelling in this London-based warren for the worse.

Well my latest gripe is with people who carry bags without any consideration for other people especially during rush hour.

They seem to fall into various categories:

  • The bulging back-packers
  • The trolley bag wide loaders
  • The unhelpful handbaggers
  • The behemoth baggers

And so on.

The thing that unites these people is their complete lack of spacial awareness, and apologies.

Just because you are carrying a bag does not mean you should lose all sense of consideration for your fellow travellers.

Do not assume that just because you are carrying a bag it entitles you to special dispensation.

…or to block a walkway so that no-one can get past you.

…or to use it as a weapon to force your way on to a tube.

…or that it provides you with the means to build a den on the tube to create your own space.

First world problems I know but all that I ask is that people just think.

As I stand there, playing “Skulls of the Shogun,” (great game!) please don’t walk past and whack me with your handbag to make space for yourself.

Don’t then turn around and look at me as if it was my fault / I was in the way of your expensive bag / your bag is more precious than life itself.

If you worry about it making contact with people on the tube, don’t bring it on.

If you decide to travel with a massive backpack or huge case during rush hour, get a bag-full of apologies ready.

Accept you are going to annoy a lot of people.

Especially grumpy old sods like me.

With faces like thunder.

Grrrrr.





I choose, the handbag…

17 11 2011

If Jean-Claude Van Damme movies are anything to go by, underground pit fights are kicked off with two muscle-bound morons choosing a weapon that they think will dismember, disembowel, disfigure or just generally dis their opponent the best.

You can even dip your hands in glue in a fighters version of pick ‘n’ mix – bowls of broken glass, nails and other sharp pointy things that will really smart.

But I think they are missing a trick.

The humble handbag.

To the untrained (male) eye it’s just a bit of dried out cow skin, but wielded in capable hands it can become a ferocious weapon.

You can witness these underground pit fights in the tube.

Handbags push people to one side.

Handbags travel close to the speed of sound.

Handbags are carried at a strategic level that somehow naturally zeroes into man’s own leathery bag.

Handbags can suffocate when you are sitting down and they are pushed into your face.

Jimmy Choo's latest handbag always looked after its mistress.

This weapon of choice is terrifying because of its unpredictable nature.

And that is why you do not see it in these Van Damme movies.

They were banned under the Hague Convention.

There is also a rumour that part of the problem is spatial awareness, but that’s not for me to comment…